The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
