He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
