Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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