It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
