he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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