I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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