I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
