well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
