If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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