If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Randomize
