I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
