you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
