I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
