Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
