'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
