and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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