Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
