barbara walters just said penis...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
