My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
