bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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