70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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