how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
