Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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