I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
