Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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