He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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