Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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