Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
