I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
