$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
