I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
