Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
