yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
