You smell like a Billy Joel song
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
