I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
