Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
