He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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