Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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