i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
