She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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