I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
