I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
