There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
