My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
