apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My dick has a subreddit
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
