I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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