can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
