you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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