; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
