Don't make out with my wife yet
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
